I wish every day could be a good day, but plenty of bad days exist and today’s one of them. Those days you wake up and every turn a trigger, a bullet loaded with the gunpowder of memories ricochets through your mind. It doesn’t help it’s 110+ degrees in South Dakota so any chance of good hair washed down the drain this morning with my extra conditioner just adding to my frustration of things I cannot control. While I hate the darkness that can cloud my mind when the memories plow through, for me, the cold that comes with it feels way worse. That probably explains why, even with the triple-digit heat wave with extremes last seen during the Dust Bowl, I turn off the air conditioner and just soak in the warmth, the mercury making a tedious trek north. Maybe I think some how it can push away the past. But then I realize, you cannot take away what happened. I cannot, no matter how high I push the thermometer, bring back the child lost so many years ago or expel the thoughts that come with hearing Pink Floyd or walking into an old storefront when the musky aroma of boxes, aging lumber and smoke hit. I cannot change what happened, but I can control how I handle it now. It’s easy to overlook the power that still exists in us, when we think about the person we lost. But for me, on days like this, I just repeat over and over in my mind, “I am in control now. Nobody can hurt me.” I walked out of the gym repeating it with a forcefulness that a woman walking past me gave a look like, “What class did she just leave, yikes!” And I remind myself… it’s just like bad hair days. They come and go and some times, you just gotta wear a hat until you reach tomorrow.
Originally posted on Selfspiration.com